What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 16:02
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
What is the most memorable thing that happened in your college days?
I never cut or harmed myself..
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do I want to suck cock tonight?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Comes on , in middle age.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I have no regrets .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!